Nikki

12:59 am: Crumby week...
Well, yesterday I hit a city bus. That was not much fun at all. I had to work all day by myself. I busted my ass to get everything done and still managed to prevent shoplifters form stealing cheap, plastic shoes they think are cute because it's a copy of some name brand or because chipmunk face, stuffed with nuts (Star Jones- The View), hawks them on the tele for Payless ShoeSource.. and yes.. it's supposed to be one word. Hell, on every commercial it looks as if she wants to eat every consumer out there. Hmm, maybe Payless is a trap set up by the hungry, carnivorous beast. What I'm trying to say is work sucks a big fat donkey dick and I hate the shitty company I work for. They need to pay us "style associates", as we've been dubbed by the company, hence the new stylish and sophisticated badges that do not include the person's name (Just "style associate", guess you gotta emphasize that style and seeing a name could confuse the idiots that come to buy the goddam things.. you know we can't go confusing the cattle.. they may forget what they came for... SHOES!), the money they use for this Cow Jones, Urhm, I meant Star Jones campaign. Thank my lucky stars I don't have to see their Latino spokes woman. Geeze, I know I should break up some of my sentences. They are way too long, but tonight is the night that I really don't give a shit. I guess I could talk about the car accident but that is behind me and there are more important (crappy, crap crap) things to think about. I see myself searching for a shining light. I know someone or something will help me through this. I seem to be meeting great people lately, so hopes are high. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I wish everyone were nice. Well, people aren't, so naturally I had to put up defenses, grew a little harsh and pretty much have become the people I don't like. I feel like such a bad person most of the time.

Growing up wasn't the best childhood a person could have, but I am glad to have the mother I have. I wouldn't choose anyone else and would live my childhood over a million times if I had to. She was young and impressionable. My dad was an all out jerk. I remember the things he did. He was a man in his 20's and she, a girl in her teens. I wanted to stop it all, make things better, but my tiny little self was helpless. I felt so bad that I couldn't stop him from hitting my mother, using her for sex and saying such mean things to her, all for no reason. My mother was and is strong. She managed to feed me and my other siblings on her own, without government assistance other than a few food stamps every blue moon. I learned how to enjoy the smallest, most simple things from my mother. She made me a great listener, very appreciative of women, knowledge and creativity. Family is very important to me. That's the way it has been all my life. It's all I know when it comes to how one should see family. Friends are important, to love is important, to be loved is important and mutual respect of all is important. I learned those things from growing up in the family I'm proud to have grown with. Things happen when growing up. There should be no excuses, but my mother finally saw the wrongs in how she called her children stupid and dumb. My father influenced her greatly. I guess she saw that it made him approve of her in some way. He was and is a crazy fucker. I don't understand why a father would treat his kids so abusively with his words. I don't understand why a father would want to hit his own child. I don't see why a father wouldn't speak to 2 out of fours kids simply because he didn't like them. I was one of the 2 kids. All I wanted was for him to love me or at least like me. I still have that problem today. I don't talk to anyone because I don't want to give them a chance to not like me or think I'm stupid. I did great in school and that wasn't good enough. No one really cared. I felt so much pressure to keep straight A's even though it wasn't from my parents. I put the pressure on myself. I hoped it would make them proud. My mom was proud but she had a lot of other things to worry about, like my brother's bad grades and my crazy father. My dad didn't give a flying fuck about anything I did. I could have discovered a cure for cancer and it wouldn't have mattered. I remember writing a 3 page letter to my guidance counselor at the age of 11. It basically said that I've snapped under the pressure and needed help. I kept that letter for a month. I finally threw it away. I thought it could possibly get my mother in trouble... I just wanted to get rid of my dad.

Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you all with this long entry, so I'm cutting it short. I want no one to feel sorry for me. This is not what this is for. It's just me venting. I don't like it when someone feels sorry for me. They really shouldn't. There are far worse things going on in the world to worry about and maybe lend a helping hand (volunteer at a women's shelter, donate to the goodwill, and other deedful things...).

((BIG HUG)),
Nikki

P.S. Please excuse any grammatical errors.. I didn't feel like reading back through this.