the desert of the real [entries|friends|calendar] ann [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

no, i don't know the muffin man [03 Sep 2004|07:32pm] [ mood | melancholy ] today marked the end of the first 2 days of school. i suppose that means i'm overdue for an entry bitching about how stupid school is and how much i'm going to suck this year and how much i want it to end already. but since i just explained almost all of my thoughts right there, i figured maybe i should talk about something else. the first day of school actually wasn't so bad. i wasn't exactly feeling as stressed as i was at the beginning of junior year.. i guess because i had in the back of my mind that junior year was THE year to succeed.. and i really didn't do as well as i'd hoped.. i only have myself to blame for that though. apathy is a killer. but i was pretty damn excited for the first day. i finished writing my EE early, and i actually succeeded in doing all of my hw on time. and then today, things seemed to dim a bit. gov was okay, albeit a bit boring and propagandizing (that first vote video was awfully cheesy).. and then i think math was where i messed up. first of all, i walked too slow to class and subsequently everyone had already started taking the daily quiz.. i maybe got 2 or 3 minutes and then i had to turn in the sheet. needless to say i got stressed out.. didn't remember that i had to distribute the -2 and basically fucked up the problem. i know this quiz really shouldn't matter that much (it's probably only worth 2 or 3 points), but i can't help it. it's like.. i feel like kind of a failure already. especially in THAT class, where there are so many MORE mathematically talented people. oh god, and i want so badly to do well this year it's not even funny. this is in part due to my extreme (and i mean extreme) fear of rejection by colleges. and somehow, i have a nagging feeling that i'm not going to get accepted where i want to go.. i try to push it out of my mind but when cynicism seems to reside in your very blood cells it's quite difficult to think otherwise. i still really want to end high school on a good academic note. i really want to get into a certain college. and i'm not going to let my apathy kill me this year. so for now it's going to be farewell to this journal.. and pretty much AIM until all of this college and academic madness fades.. i hope that i can at least last until november or december.. but october is looking longer and longer already. p.s. those korean dramas really ARE addictive, despite their bad acting and their copious amount of tears and screaming. 3 comments|post comment

fighting fire with fire [29 Aug 2004|06:42pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | espn jingle ] i seem to be coming up with better titles, but that doesn't necessarily mean my life is actually getting interesting (god forbid). i guess i would call this an art weekend.. i've been drawing and painting and messing around with paintshop pro so much.. i finally got photoshop cs on saturday, that'll be fun once my paintshop pro trial runs out.. kohl's orientation was terrifically boring, although i did get a cool name badge.. raided staples today, although i did have a lot of trouble finding an eraser, i.e. i didn't find one. i even went to target to try and find the elusive eraser, but alas, i was disappointed and came home with a new swingline stapler instead [insert office space joke here]. note that i am extremely picky about my erasers, so i think i'm going to have to wait until saturday to actually get it.. oh well. classes don't seem too complicated, although calc bc seems a bit intimidating. i am quite determined, though, to keep my grades up this last semester. (you can laugh now.) but we'll see how that goes.. my mom says if my grades drop by any means i'm going to have to quit work.. and hopefully that won't happen since i'd like the money.. wow, is my daily rehash always this lackluster? damn. at least i have a stapler. and photoshop. go me. school's on thursday. senior pictures tomorrow. my complexion sucks. fuckin-a. 1 comment|post comment

funky time [26 Aug 2004|12:19am] weird conversations happen after 11 pm. case in point.. me and long-time friend jessi lee somehow get on the topic of ron jeremy when we were originally talking about my internship. me: thank god for the internet jessi: and porn! me: HAHA me: dude i was watching vh1 goes inside the surreal life me: and they had ron jeremy on for a season jessi: hahahaha yeah me: hahaha me: ron jeremy's weeeeeird me: i have no idea why women find him sexy jessi: his penis is pretty big.... jessi: AND I ONLY KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE THE DISH! jessi: ....i wish i didn't say that. me: HAHAHA me: dude, that's journal worthy jessi: lol i know. mine too hahahahi was just gonna do it. jessi: hahahahaahah post comment

fuck! ass! [25 Aug 2004|11:22pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | ATB -- collides with beauty ] so i was typing my little, shriveled heart out one day (about 20 minutes ago, actually) when my retarded fingers decided to hit the back button on my browser. unfortunately, every stupid thing i was about to post on this godforsaken journal was erased.. and i was faced with the bright, smiling, absolutely annoying blank space of the "event" area. *sigh* and because i have the memory span of a fish when i want to, i don't quite remember what i wrote previously. i think it had something to do with how my IB essay and college apps were giving me stress, how i hadn't run in 5 days and how my complexion was going to hell. nothing new there. oh and, yes, i will be officially working at kohl's come october. that's kinda new. hm.. what else did i say.. evidently nothing really important. stupid short term memory. my essay is now up to 3,669 words. and a shitload of graphics. note to self: origin, while easier to use than microsoft excel, is still a pain in the ass. trial versions of adobe photoshop are annoying too. and microsoft word is always a bitch when it comes to anything besides simple typing. *shrug* can't win em all, can you? post comment

pull the trigger [21 Aug 2004|07:58pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | ATB -- marrakech ] i would just like to issue a big "fuck you" to my parental units. it's not that they don't care. of course they care. it's just that sometimes they make it really difficult to tell. my dream.. my absolute dream.. would be to go to a private college when i get out of the hellhole known as high school. unfortunately, my parents don't share this dream. "why don't you just settle for UCLA? or UC Berkeley? or UC Irvine?" you'd think that for asian parents they'd actually WANT me to get into harvard or something, but my parents are .. shall we say .. different. i don't think i'm going to even apply to harvard unless i chalk up the $95 application fee by myself.. which is highly unlikely because i don't start working officially until october.. i guess they'd prefer for me to stay closer to home where they can keep an eye on me, but i don't want to spend the next four years of my life in ca, where i'm likely to spend the REST of my life after college. i want a change. i want new surroundings. i don't want to stay. maybe i should explain where this started. i wanted to register a credit card for upromise.com, that one site that has companies contribute money for every purchase you make with that registered card or every purchase you make online. the contributions range from 1% to about 10% for the average company.. and it isn't much, i know. but i still consider it effort towards trying to raise tuition/fee money.. basically on the same level as trying to find scholarships. and then my mother, in her infinite wisdom, says, "don't register, it's not safe. what if it's a fraud? then you'll be in big trouble." uh, well mom, what about that little javascript warning that says, 'viewing over a secure connection'? or that little button on the site that says 'verified secure' by SSL? "well tell me, if you spend $1000, how much is 3% of that? it's not worth anything." gee golly whiz, mom, you have me there. why save anything at all, if it's not worth anything? the whole point is that you spend money on common, grocery-like shit everyday, and the funds build up. i guess she's right. it'll only end up being $100 dollars at the most by the end of the school year, which is absolute SHIT compared to those huge fucking tuition bills of those private colleges. but fuck, i couldn't help but thinking that she didn't want me to go to a better school.. she was satisfied with UCLA and berkeley, but i wasn't. MOST DEFINITELY, la and berkeley are NOT bad schools. but can i really help it if they're not my first choice? can i really help it if i feel like i'm not trying hard enough to get to my stupid dream school? fuck this. i have to go back to my IB essay. registration is on monday. tons of shit to pick up and drop off then. oh, vainglorious smatterings of vulgarities, how i adore you. 3 comments|post comment

tetrapod. bite me. [20 Aug 2004|11:16pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | malcom mclaren, kill bill vol. 2 OST -- about her ] 2,718 words.. bitchin. in other news.. I FUCKING GOT HIRED. AT KOHL'S. since when does this kind of luck happen to me? *shakes head* starting pay for a cashier is $7.50.. after 90 days i get a 25 cent raise. oh, snap. but now i have to freaking get my work permit.. o_O oh yeah. and i spent 6 hours in chino hills today getting my hair straightened. my mom said i looked like the mona lisa. someone kill me. 1 comment|post comment

just begging to course through your veins [19 Aug 2004|12:17pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | letter kills -- don't believe ] finally, after several months of procrastination, i started my IB extended essay last night. i got through the entire introduction and 90 percent of the first paragraph.. fucking stayed up till 3 am.. funny how i always choose to write that late when i could just write it now.. *shrug* fuckin a. now i have to finish it. oh yeah. and i bought my 9/28 concert ticket today. looks like that's gonna be one of the best nights ever. post comment

go see harold and kumar, kids [15 Aug 2004|12:01am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | the humidifier and the fan ] so one night an asian guy and an indian guy get stoned and they discover that they're also really hungry. after watching a tv commercial for white castle burgers, they decide that white castle is the only place to go. simple, right? they get in the car and life is good.. i guess if you include the hideous-boil-faced freakshow, random bullet removal surgery, TOTALLY random dougie howser and more weed, then yes, it would be the ideal night. surprisingly, though, harold and kumar go to white castle isn't that bad for a "stoner" movie. let's just call it a.. "guilty pleasure." there's always going to be some good that comes with the bad, so with the intelligent humor there is, of course, the obligatory sexual, racial and homophobic cracks. but the thing is, it's not done crudely, which scored major points with me. there were some cheesy moments, i'll admit.. that random cheetah thing was downright stupid.. but for the most part, the racial stereotyping and the whole bully versus the weak themes were well-portrayed by john cho and kal penn. both penn and cho were very impressive actors, showing that they could be serious and stupid at the same time.. which is always a nice balance. not to mention they're actually both pretty good-looking. of course that has NOTHING really to do with the movie, but hey, i can't help it. there's enough gratuitous female nudity in H&K to satisfy the male audience, which is (i'm assuming) the target.. so.. i guess i'm left with john cho and kal penn. which isn't bad, considering troy. *cough* who am i kidding? whoever said i could be a movie critic? ignore me, i'm just talking out of my ass right now, it's okay. so what happened to me today.. let's see.. kohl's job interview at 9 this morning. i actually get there early only to discover that they do GROUP interviews and they have to wait for more people. great. so i'm waiting and waiting for 30 minutes, and then finally 4 interviewees, myself included, walk over to the next room only to find ourselves waiting longer. the interviewer came in at about 9:40, i think.. and then proceeded to ask us questions. at this point i'm not feeling too good about myself. my answers to all of the questions basically sucked, i had zero work experience, and all the other candidates seemed way more pro at this interviewing stuff than me. to my surprise, i was the only one asked to stay afterward and move onto the second part of the hiring process. all i need is 2 references.. and then.. who knows. maybe i'll get a job after all. i doubt it though. those UCI people are always randomly gone when you call.. anyway. i totally didn't think i would get picked. there was another girl there, candice, and she had all this work experience and good answers to hard questions.. and i was like, wtf? whatever. i think it was the all-black professional look i was going for. my mom said i looked like i was going to a funeral, but hey, at least it was kinda formal-ish. so maybe pre-internship wasn't so worthless after all. i admit, i can BS those interview answers pretty quickly now. but maybe that just comes from looking at all those job applications.. hm.. well, i think that was the good moment of my day. the rest of it was spent in san gabriel/rowland heights, where i got in touch with my asian side at life plaza and ate asian food.. and now.. i'm typing madly on my laptop while in bed.. it's so great.. i don't even have to move and i'm on the internet.. now i don't have to run back and forth between the computer room and the tv.. but this also means i have to get to fucking work on that fucking IB essay.. which my mom dutifully reminded me of today. again. for the 124981049848th time this week. she added another thing to the list though: studying for the sat II bio. god. i don't even know what the fuck i'm gonna do for that.. i haven't studied bio since freshman year, and i don't remember much of anything. i don't particularly want to take sat II physics or chem, and bio seems the easiest out of the three.. maybe i should just tell my mom that i'm destined to never get a full score on anything because the SAT gods cursed me forever. oh yeah. she doesn't want me working until second semester either. luckily for her, i don't think i'll be getting that kohl's job since those references are hard to reach.. *sigh* i need to write my little OC family article too, i basically forgot about that until today, when i pulled out the writing requirement sheet. fuck. i need money. i can't keep living on cereal and peaches. although at least now i have dried mangoes. i need -- i want -- i feel -- i .. oh fuck. 2 comments|post comment

ignore the blood stains [11 Aug 2004|11:41pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | taking back sunday -- you're so last summer ] contemplation. it's quite an oddity. you see, at first you just start thinking about one thing, and then it spreads to encompass everything. soon your brain feels like it's being overwhelmed, you feel frustrated and you just want to run away, kill something or just beat the shit out of something until you feel better. this is probably why i'm exercising a lot more; i have too much time to think and then i have nothing better to do but wallow in self pity and get depressed. i mean, doesn't it mean something when i check my stomach every five or ten minutes to see if it's grown any more flab? or if i feel extremely guilty if i haven't burned a certain number of calories? isn't there something wrong with my head? but what is it? what exactly is the nature of a psychological problem like that, and how do i solve it? this is precisely what i mean. everything leads to the next and then gradually it feels like i have a 1240982135 pound weight on my shoulders. mm, teenage angst, it's so thick i could pluck it out of the air. speaking of teenage angst, i think i should probably clarify this for the final time in this dj.. my non-existent love life is officially dead and in the process of decomposing. that's an oxymoron, you say. how can something that didn't exist even die? i guess this just means that it's not meant to be thought of logically. whaaaatever. time for the daily brain upchuck. warning.. only for the bored. we had to write a column for CSPA as an assignment once, and we could pick a topic about anything. i chose to write about the first time i learned to tread in waterpolo, but one of the suggested ideas was the phenomenon about "blogging." despite my ownership of this dj spot for over three years, i didn't feel like i had enough anecdotal evidence to support any angle that i wanted to take with the whole blog thing. but it got me thinking.. why do we post what our daily adventures and mishaps on the web for everyone to see? journals have traditionally been the places where we could keep our thoughts private, but that's certainly not the case with the internet. i guess a lot of people blog for a lot of different reasons. some do it for the attention; perhaps they'd like to think that the more people who read the blog, the more people will start to care about what happens in their lives. isn't that what we all want, though? for someone to care? hypocritical case in point: people who say they don't care about what happens in other people's xangas but then read them religiously to arm themselves with more embarrassing ammunition.. i know that i've had a gross obsession with reading other people's journals because, for some perverse reason, am curious about what happens in their lives. this is probably because my life is horridly, terribly, utterly, normal. i live in suburbia. i drive a honda. i've never ditched school. my love life is deformed, disfigured and retarded. i'm not really particularly good at one thing; i'm particularly bad to mediocrely good at everything. i wish i were a lot of things, but i don't know if i can go through with it. i doubt myself too much. i talk about my damn self too much. i think too much. fuck. i digress. i blog because i know there aren't that many people who read this. and that gives me a certain comfort, but i think it's more comforting to know that there are other people who understand what's going on in my head.. and that if i don't get to talk about some things during the day or even at all.. they'll know about it. huh. how's that for cheese. maybe i should get religion. i'm tired. so long. and good night. 2 comments|post comment

why am i always so f-ing hungry? [10 Aug 2004|08:18pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | orgy -- vague ] seriously. i need to stop eating everything in sight.. at this rate, i'll be like 368198592% over the stupid bmi number.. jk jk. i biked 3.5 miles, i think that's probably why i'm on a food rush. anyway. today was relatively boring.. although 1) the free printer that was SUPPOSED to come with my laptop came today.. 2) i picked up an application at michael's.. and 3) bought the brand spanking new kill bill 2 dvd, which i will watch a little later tonight. hm.. i'd also like to see harold and kumar go to white castle, although it's a "classic stoner movie." john cho's a pretty good actor; bigger plus is that he's asian. take it from this guy from the ny times.. "The movie's funniest moments, set at Princeton University, caricature and then demolish the image of Asian-Americans as nerdy, sexless bookworms incapable of fun." nerdy, sexless, and no fun. yes, that would be the correct stereotype of most asians, although only one subcategory. now add the other subcategories: white-washed asians, gangster asians, aZnPrYdE asians and fobs. oh, i could go on, but i'd rather prune my nail bed. as much as i detest avril, her lines sound strangely appropriate. you were everything, everything that i wanted we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away all this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending 2 comments|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]